


Seconds

by SariaSpeaks



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23011345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SariaSpeaks/pseuds/SariaSpeaks
Summary: Jester had died right in front of him. Yasha's original question still haunts Caleb's mind. Even in the aftermath of that phantom loss, it's getting harder to convince himself he's still in control of this...uselessness.[takes place before Cad's arc, but after the swamp]
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 2
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

It was only for a moment. Caleb had counted the seconds. The heartbeats. He'd had to count. It was essential that he did. He was the only one who could. For a solid, singular moment, Jester Lavorre had been dead. 

Her pained scream had cut mid-way when the creature she'd been fighting racked its claws across her chest. There'd been a swarm of them. The last had broken her defenses while her back had been turned. She'd fallen to the ground. Only Caleb had seen it. 

His legs had moved on their own. His fists ignited into a furious, uncontrollable amber. "Caduceus!" Had his voice ever broken quite like that before? Gone that low, that _loud_ before?

Another creature attempted a swipe at his arm as he'd turned to run. A well timed double eldritch blast seared into its flesh from his left. Caleb would thank Fjord later. If there was a later. 

He dashed the remaining distance across the battlefield as their fight went on with his other friends. It was even ground. The tall grass almost concealed where Jester had crumpled. The creature loomed over her. It's enormous fangs glistened with saliva and blood. Jester's blood. It struck again. And again. 

The others were too far to reach her in time. It had to be him. It had to be.   
Caleb let out a primal scream as he clapped his hands together with the needed components. An enormous fireball shot from his fingers. On the sheer luck of what had to be The Traveler himself, for all he was worth, it was enough to burn the thing alive in one hit. 

Caleb's eyes began to lose focus. The smell of charred flesh. The screams, however inhuman, began to fracture his reality. To break through. To break him. _No. No! Not now. I am here. I am here now, today. I am here for her. For her!_

He continued to count. He was on the forty second mark. He pulled a superior healing potion from his pouch and slid on his knees into the muddied, bloodied earth. She was there, still bleeding out. She'd been choking on red in her last moments. She wasn't anymore. He didn't register it. He couldn't. Caleb yanked the cork out of the bottle and shoved the contents into her mouth and down her throat. He knew it wouldn't work now. He didn't care. 

His rapid breaths were shallow. "Please. Please." He pleaded. He didn't think of who it was to. He just begged. Over and over. His thoughts too thick, too loud to stay contained. He was shaking. He had to be.

From seemingly nowhere Caduceus came into view of his passive perception without a word. The firbolg's hand raised with smooth yet deliberate movements as he kneeled and touched Jester's face. Caleb knew the spell, but as the diamond in his grasp flashed and disintegrated into nothingness next to him, he'd forgotten to breathe.

Fifty-nine.

Caleb rested his forehead on Jester's. He felt her chest rise and fall. 

_Fifty-nine_. 


	2. Insane

The rest afterwards was...interesting. Everyone had been so exhausted and tapped out that they'd set up camp for the night not too far from the horde of bodies in that field. Among everything else, it kept a bitter pit lodged at the back of Caleb's throat. The colors, the sounds, and the smells from that day's events wouldn't leave him for a while. His eyes drifted over to Jester for the fourth time in the last minute. A long while.

She sat across from him at their little campfire underneath the safe cover of the dome. A cup of tea was cradled between her palms that Caduceus had made for her before going to bed. Like the rest of them she was covered in old blood, and what remained of her clothes and armor were torn and filthy. Mending had taken care of the bigger holes, but they would definitely need new clothes soon. 

She stared quietly into the fire. It was just the two of them awake, now. Jester had insisted on taking first watch, her tone and cheery demeanor at the suggestion too light and too sweet for Caleb or any of the Nein to believe. _She knows she will have nightmares. We all would hear them._

His concern wouldn't allow him to leave her alone with that knowledge, so he'd also volunteered before anyone else could take the chance. He'd shared a look with Beau and Fjord afterwards. They'd held his gaze for a few seconds, but eventually offered a nod of understanding. Caleb knew they weren't thrilled about it, but everyone in their little family knew there were different ways of dealing with fresh trauma like theirs. He loved them for it.

"Are you sure you two will be alright all alone?" he heard Nott whisper from behind him where she lay curled up in her sleep roll.

Caleb turned to look in her direction over his shoulder. "We will be fine. Please go back to sleep. I will wake you if anything happens."

"Anything?" She punctuated the question with a very Jester-like tone. He could almost see the little eyebrow wiggle and toothy grin. 

He just gave a breath of a laugh in response and turned back to look at the fire. He counted the seconds to himself again. Calculating how long to wait between desperate glances up and over at her. She looked the same every time. Expressionless, tired, sad.

Until finally she gave an almost startling little laugh into the quiet. "It's okay for you to ask me, Caleb. I won't lie to you."

So he wasn't so subtle after all. He should have known. His eyes rushed down to his lap. "It's alright. I, I already know the answer I think." The weight in his voice must have reached because he felt Jester's eyes on him after that. Another loaded pause. She was thinking. He was dreading it.

"Hey. It's not your fault, you know. Those stupid creatures came out of _nowhere_. What matters is that we're alive now, though. We made it through!" There was that too sweet tone again. It hurt more than her attempt to redirect the blame did.

He offered her a very Caleb smile. The one that was too short and too heavy to reach his eyes. The one he couldn't resist giving her. Always. "It is good for you to think that way." He paused. "But, for whatever it is worth, I am still sorry I could not get to you in time. That you had to fight that thing alone, until you could not anymore." Their eyes met this time. "Very, very, sorry." Then he looked back to the fire.

He heard Jester sigh his name under her breath. He assumed she was still looking at him. Still trying to figure out what say to get him to feel better. The way she refused to give up on that notion was one of the many reasons that he...His eyes shot to the sleeping Yasha to his right. 

Caleb shook his head. 

He was so busy entangled in his thoughts he hadn't noticed Jester had moved and sat next to him. He only realized their closeness when she pressed into him. He stiffened immediately. His heart all but shot up into his throat. 

"Weeeell, if you're going to keep being sorry like that. Then I'm sorry to you too, Caleb." She said it with the softest of tones. She was looking at him again. "I'm sorry that you were so scared like that, too. That I couldn't do anything about it either." 

The pull. She was pulling him in again. It was a force he knew too well. A weight, an urge, and a consequence he'd been fighting for so very long now. Any time this wonderful blue tiefling said anything compassionate like that, he wanted to give her the world itself. Anything, and everything she might ask of him. 

A helpless sort of breath escaped in response. He tried desperately to recenter his thoughts through his surroundings. The crackling fire. The distant cricket song. The brilliance of the full moon. The soft snores of their friends. His family. Caleb made himself inhale. _Do you love her?_

His insides were hot and shaky with the panic of that question for all of a second before he finally, finally caved. Caleb turned to Jester, and pinned her with a look. A look that based on her surprised reaction, did what he'd hoped. He took her hand, turned it upwards, and placed a kiss to her opened palm. 

The events that followed would make any sane man regret it. Though, he supposed in this one moment, it was a good thing that he considered himself anything but. 


End file.
